he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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