Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs sedatives and a leash
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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