They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
