I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
