remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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