I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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