There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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