just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm at about main and main street
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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