my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
