Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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