I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
