Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
