I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
