he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
