No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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