used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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