Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
