the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
