You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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