Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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