When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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