ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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