ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
