Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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