I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
