i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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