i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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