He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
