Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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