giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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