Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
