My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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