Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
