Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
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I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How's work?
Spinning.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
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