someone get that fucking seahorse.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
dude. I can hear the air.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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