yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
