I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
