Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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