Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
