Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
