Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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