i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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