I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
