my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
