If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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