I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
