i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
