My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
