Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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