someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
