i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
