I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
