awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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