Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My liver just had a heart attack.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
