This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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