Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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