I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
