my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
